Where did Kym go?

It's Saturday afternoon here in Lennox.  Weather is so so but hey, where isn't it up and down this state?  Seems like someone turned a tap on in the sky and walked away.  Murphy and I aren't big fans of the rain although it gives her the extra excuse NOT to go for a walk or drop the walk time down from 5 minutes to 3.  Her exercise regime really is quite embarrassing.  I think John has cultivated it over many many years.  She is his masterpiece of sluggery. 

My last few days have been filled with many highs and the occasional low.  I am really feeling pretty good in terms of my scars.  The armpit hurts more than the breast but the experts told me that would be the case. The bandaging is still on and so the final unveiling is yet to occur.  I expect this coming week will see the end of steri strips and what not.  And I have refused to take pain killers since about Tuesday so I am generally happy with where all of that is sitting.  My armpit is kind of red and a bit golf ball like but I was reminded that even spin classes cause rubbing and lets not even go there about doing arm tracks in pump. Doh!  No pain no gain they say.

Without question the biggest struggle for me really has been attempting to return to what semblance of my normal life I can possibly muster.  It hasn't been through lack of will and effort.  I want nothing more to be back into full time work - being busy and challenged in a work context is all fine with me.  It feels like home.  And the gym work has always been a gift in terms of employment as its really about the only job I have ever had that (unless you completely stuff it up) makes you feel better at the end of the day and really glad you were there.  It is an environment that is filled with positive affirmation and I love it love it love it.

So why has this been so hard to do?  Well, I came to a realisation probably yesterday that I have had my identity changed without my permission.  Unlike Madonna or Kylie who's PR people no doubt cultivate their new identity and launch it in a carefully planned way, cancer snuck up on me and did it without any agreement or discussion.  You see, I used to be Gym Kym or  Regional Manager Kym or in the right circles I used to be Lyn/Kym or just plain old Kym, Kymmy, Kymbo, Kymbalina (you get the picture!).

But right at this very moment, I am Kym that's got cancer.  Poor Kym.  It's unbelievable it could happen to you Kym. That's so unfair Kym.  Sick Kym.  And it's not reserved for the views of those around me either because if I was to be perfectly honest there are fleeting moments where I almost dont recognise myself because I become scared Kym.

It has never ever in my life occurred to me that I might die young.  Yeah yeah we all have those conversations, you know the ones where we agree we should live each day like it's your last and use the good china and buy that special whatever it should be rather than put it off.  Because you just never know when you might get hit by a bus.  And all of that is true.  We don't know. 

But let me tell you, for me, these last few weeks have truly been the first time EVER in my life where I have actually contemplated the possibility that this thing has the potential to end my life prematurely.  Now please don't misinterpret this statement and think Oh no, Kym's just become Morbid Death Kym.  I'm not and in fact I feel an internal strength in me that with every day I grow increasingly resolute I will kick this thing and kick it good and hard.  In fact it will be such a distant memory that when I am Kym (Eve Gimbert) Langill in my nursing home (lovingly referred to as 'the pod') turning 101 and someone says how remarkable it is that I had cancer in my 40's I will argue with them, tell them they are mad and that unless they are prepared to perform circus tricks for my birthday, or that they have arrived with a puppy as a gift, that they should leave because they are making up fibs about me.  I feel strong and positive and as I have said to many this week, I feel physically better than I have in many months.  But I guess it wouldn't be an honest journal if I didn't admit the smallest sliver of vulnerability, every now and again.  And then it's gone.       

Being home has so many fantastic benefits in the fact that I am surrounded by an enormous support network of amazing people. I live in a comfortable house with lots of space and all my own stuff.  I live in paradise with easy access to gorgeous beaches and lush rainforest. John is simply awesome and Murphy makes me feel better just by watching her sleep. It is without question very much a healing environment. And I hope that over time the cancer identity fades and people will just go back to referring to me as Kym.  I know that treatment is likely to ensure that I can't hide the fact I've had cancer so in this respect it's likely to get worse before it gets better.  At least for the next little while.  But eventually I will emerge from this current state with a renewed sense of energy and a zest for life that will shine from the inside out. 

And I will be proud and happy to know that I have taken control back and that I am the determiner of my own destiny and that I am able to create my new identity, which will be something like.......SPARKLY KYM    :-)   Ta daaaaaa!

Happy Saturday night people. Much love and hugs xxx