Cha cha cha changing.........

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves....Victor Frankl.

The changing days of chemo. In fact the changing moments of chemo. It's an unpredictable yet well worn path for many but as Doctors repeatedly remind you - everyone's different and this is your chemo journey. They can't give you a manual and tell you exactly how you will feel or what will happen or when it will happen. They can't give you dates for when your hair will fall out or when you will be so tired you have to brace yourself to walk to the kitchen for a glass of bicarb water solution to gargle. They can't tell you when you will lose sensations like taste and touch and smell or whether in fact you will at all. They can't tell you when you will feel so deeply sad and scared that you wonder if the lightness will ever return or when you will laugh hysterically at the wig you just purchased and have placed on your dog and are now dancing with.....

Now in saying all of this i do want to acknowldege that the cancer world does a sterling job and covers all of these bases in the most informative, evidence, researched base way. Like good scientists and medical experts, they walk you through every possibility and for someone like me, i like to go in informed. So I've also conducted my own research and asked a million questions. And then this week I stopped. I've put the paperwork and the brochures in a top drawer as if hiding them somehow makes me less likely to experience any of these side effects. You see I have come to the conclusion I now just need to experience the change. Go with it. Ride it. Kick it's butt. But probably more than anything, accept it.

I have always tried to be a positive thinker. Mind over matter. You can't win if you don't think you can and all of that. I am still a big believer and as far as I'm concerned that attitude has worked a treat for me. But in the past 7 days I have also had to accept the change that is currrently happening inside of me because it is chemicals that are holding the steering wheel right now. I'm sitting in the passenger seat and I haven't got full control of the wheel. No matter how much I want to apply positive thoughts to this process, the chemicals are going to call some of the shots. And i need to accept this change. Embrace it? Probably unlikely for me but at the very least sit back and to a certain degree allow these changes to occur. It means it's working. Yeeeeeehah. Go your hardest I say.

So what can I do to make this easier? Well, i can take the turn, lean into the corner and straighten up as soon as we get round the bend. Go with the course that's mapped out for me. Trust it to some extent. Stop fighting. Just accept. And be damn ready when we straighten up to sit up taller, be more aware, alert and ready to respond to the next challenge.

I'm nearing 1 full week and there have been many changes. Some are subtle....my skin feels 'different', my scalp is sensitive, I feel like my lung capacity has been compromised ever so slightly. Other changes are like a sledgehammer...my food tastes like I'm eating nails with my yoghurt, I now can't stand the taste of coffee (yes I know!!) and every now and then I get this wave of exhaustion that makes me feel like one of Murphy's toys when the stuffing starts coming out of a leg and she pulls white tufts of fluff all over the yard and leaves the toy kind of flat, alone and out of shape in the yard. But I am learning to be a good passenger and still participating in all the activities I possibly can when I can. The daily stuff like walking Murf and easy exercise. Gym launches (step and pump last night)and regular classes when I can. Work - even if it's on a laptop in the kitchen or hiding in a space in the office. And today a fun but challenging photo shoot (associated with the Cancer Council) with the gorgeous Shelley and perfectionist photographer Les. Having the honour of being asked to be involved in events such as these has been an unexpected positive outcome of getting cancer. Spending time with giving and generous people who want to contribute to change or just make the world that little bit better. Change agents I would call them.

As I near my first full week of chemo weaving it's physical change in my body, so to am I making internal changes within me. I feel confident that the intimate challenges I am facing will stay with me long after I get my taste buds back. Kym xxx