Bench presses and anxiousness.....

It's Tuesday 13th of March and I'm blogging to you after smashing myself in a Pump class less than an hour earlier. It was my 5th class in two days and I felt every rep. For those of you out there rolling your eyes and saying 'she's doing too much!' I promise I am not. I'm not at full throttle but I am pleased to say I can feel myself getting stronger with every passing day. I'm not doing too much, I'm just doing what I do and it feels fantastic. I am listening to my body and right now, it's asking for more!

To be honest though, I am highly anxious about this next phase - radiotherapy starts in two days.  I'm not really sure why i am so nervous as for all accounts and purposes, it's meant to be easier than chemotherapy. The expectation is that I won't feel nauseous like you do on chemo and there are only minimal side effects. My hair is growing back and at the moment is kind of soft and fuzzy on my scalp - much like the skin of a peach :)  It feels nice when you run your hand over it - the spikes have been replaced with kind of down-like hair and i am now finding myself constantly touching it in some mesmorised state! Im digressing but in a weird way I will miss my baldness. It's been an empowering experience and has proven convenient in many ways.

For a start I've been told constantly that my head is a good shape!??? Hmmm what's that mean exactly? Apparently I don't have bumps? Do you? You won't know unless you shave your head.

See, now I know. :-)

Your travel bag for another is much less bulky without ghd, blow dryer, hair product, shampoo etc. and personal preparation time to go out significantly reduced! My hat collection is healthy and I've enjoyed wearing big chunky bling in my ears and on my neck to draw the attention away from the white shiny scalp. Mind you, on the flip side recently my head was featured as a shiny disco ball, covered in sparkles, in a pump class! Again baldness equals versatility! And if I ever backpack again - I can assure you the clippers will make a reappearance with a much more joyful shaving ceremony!

Now I really am digressing but let's just clear this question up while I'm at it - yes you lose your hair EVERYWHERE girls! Nothing more to say there.

My eyebrows are thinner but hung in there and my lashes are patchy but can still take a dose of mascara. I'm looking forward to them returning very soon. You'd be surprised at how watery your eyes get when they arent protected by lashes. I did lose one finger nail in the chemo process but the rest of my nails and toenails are just fine. The cough that plagued me for almost 4 months has finally left the building!

Why am I telling you this? Well, because radiotherapy will not cause ANY of these side effects, so why am I dreading the next phase so much?

To try and explain it I decided to consult Dr Google and I found a fantastic saying that comes from a very funny woman whom, ironically, died from Ovarian cancer in 1989. Her name was Gilda Radner - she was a comedian, actress and an Emmy Award winner.  I wanted to capture an explanation or a saying that sums up uncertainty for me. Because that's how I feel. Uncertain and quite nervous. When I think about it, it's not really the act of undergoing radiotherapy that makes me feel so unsure. I kind of know what to expect for the most part. But I think it's the elements of the radiation 'package deal' that fills me with dread. The daily grind of an hour and a half of driving to and from hospital, the waiting around in a room filled with sadness and hope, the isolated side affects, the commitment of time and my body once again to this cause. More poking and prodding.

Radner was quoted as saying....."I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way, that some poems dont rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle or end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.........delicious ambiguity"

I am anxious because once again I'm starting over. Im facing a new stage just at a point where I'm feeling relatively healthy with small signs of personal recovery - both physical and emotional. It feels like I've just gotten to my feet on second base, im breathing heavily but the third base coach is waving me in! Geez, am I ready to run for 6 straight weeks? I'm not going to be declared safe on third until early May and that's dependent on a smooth run. May. Feels like ages away.

Don't get me wrong, I am hungry for the end of this game. And the home run can't conclude if it doesn't start so let's get into it! But if i can just hold out hope for one thing, its that the gains i have made recently are not lost on that radiotherapy table. That the uncertainty of my future doesn't detract from the hard work and effort of recent weeks. That the love and support of the here and now carries me the required distance.

And that the ambiguity or uncertainty of the next couple of months as I carefully place back together the puzzle pieces of my life, brings me healthy and happy outcomes that taste absolutely delicious. Thank you Gilda Radner.

Much love to you. Kym xxx