What can I do?????

It's Sunday afternoon, day 5 of chemo hit three. It's a critical stage for me and based on how I've travelled in previous chemo hits, I know it can tend to be a low point. I am reluctant to blog on these days because they really are few and far between but I guess it wouldn't be an accurate journal of this process if I avoided talking about the occasional low day. I may write this then delete it and never share in some cathartic effort to shed my disposition. Or I may decide you poor suckers have to share some pain with me and go ahead and publish. My advice is if I have gone ahead and this is my blog, stop reading and go pour yourself a drink or go have a swim or something,anything other than subject yourself to my grumbly rantings. I have an oversized pair of cranky pants on and i cant find the shoestring to untie them right now. Even Murphy is over me today. And I knew it was going to be a hard day almost instantly after I opened my eyes this morning.

It's raining which doesn't help although in my own glumness, I am quietly relieved that my inability to get up and get out there is reflected in the weather also. It's so much worse when it's gloriously sunny and your blood count is so low you can't find the energy to look in the cupboard for your bikini let alone lather up and deal with sand. I feel for the last of the holiday makers, the stragglers and the hard core, still hanging in up here as the weather turns a bit so so which gives me hope i can still summons empathy for others instead of being so focused on myself. But enough about them....... :-) ahhh the weather, one minute its steamy and sunny, the next a downpour. Be nice to run in, if only I could. Baaaaaah.

I've tried not to blog much about the symptoms of chemo and there is a reason for that. I have hardly been whacked by them. I have really felt pretty happy with how Ive managed to work through each of the cycles with minimum pain and not THAT much inconvenience. But today it seems that chemo has decided to amp up its efforts against me and hit me with several whammys all at once. Of course, I need to embrace these signs as it clearly is my body confirming for me that the treatment is working. I'd yell 'go your hardest' but today, I think it is. I was starkely reminded by Boycey not that long ago when I asked about taking a muli vitamin to help build me up, that and I quote " we are trying to kill things here Kym" and so we are. And today, right now, I feel like chemo really is slowly killing me. My resilience and efforts in applying a positive mental attitude is being very much tested, right now, as i write. I have been lying almost comatosed on the lounge for hours watching the rain fall in between the sunny hits. There is a section on the back deck where the rain strikes more heavily than other parts ( fix-a-upper house this one) and I've been lying here watching the droplets fall noticing that the wood on that part of the deck has been worn down over time much more than the rest of the deck. And I feel the parallism with every drip drip. It's not one thing, we can all cope with one symptom or another, but the accumulation that is wearing me down. Over the past day or so I have experienced....from the top people,
Sensitive scalp linked to hair loss;
Stinging eyes which I fear has a link to eyelashes falling out (altho I am happy they're still here!);
Aching gums;
Metal taste buds;
Nose bleeds - due to platelet levels;
Sore mouth in general although I am soooooo happy to report no ulcers;
A cough and cold which has now been going on 22 days, quite frankly,just ridiculous;
Aching bones specifically in my chest plate
And a general lethargy which makes recognising myself almost impossible.

I am tired. Really tired. Not just in the physical sense but mentally. This treatment is wearing me down. So what to do? Well, rest is not even an option but an obligation. I have no choice, my body refuses any other remedy. I am also reading. At the moment I am reading Andre Agassi's autobiography Open. It's been great because (a) Andre's bald like me and (b) he talks a lot about his demons, his mental attitude, his vulnerability, his pain and his search. It's been great to read into the psyche of someone whom presents in their peak form but in fact, has the greatet battles mentally within themselves. Command and control. Shouldn't it be that easy?
Apparently not.
I am laying low today although Bert in her magical way still managed to get me out briefly (a thousand loves to you) and I will return the check up calls and texts tomorrow to the other beautiful people I have missed today, I know I will.

I also know today will pass and tomorrow I could well wake at 5:30am and think about a walk and a swim, a gym class, popping into the office or a goal or 7. Therein lies probably the number one all blazing symptom of chemo for me.....I just won't know until tomorrow. Above all I will work hard at exercising patience and acceptance that this is what 'normal people' experience as part of chemo and that it's all ok. I need to resist viewing rest as a sign of weakness or laziness.

There is a quote I've discovered in my search to boost my inner strength and resilience and it's from a British Politician and novelist that says
" Patience is not passive, on the contrary, it is active because it is concentrated strength".

Concentrated Strength. I like it. That's what I'll do.....K x